Here I go again, words lying on the tip of my tongue.
Stomach clenches. I knew this decision could never been made right.
Loving this fight against my own breath.
No one slips a thing, nothing’s let lose.
Plug the loop back in and listen to the same ramble.
Pull the sheet up to my neck. It’s 1 a.m. and I’ll bury it for good.
I couldn’t wait to live
in the unknown.
Jidapachu,
© Jidapa Chang-in
It’s been two years and I’m still here
Pacing back and forth onto your words
Holding onto the promises we’ve sworn
All the pieces left of you is too addicting
I’ve been trying
It’s 3 a.m. and I’m still here
Lighting up your favourite cigarettes
Diving into our stale memories
Those orange peels and blackened juice you used to make
Counting from one to ten,
keeping up to my good conscious
Disappearance isn’t happening
It’s been to long, all the smokes are gone
I don’t want to go along anymore
In this story, I don’t wanna be leading
Your back is freezing, why won’t you turn around
Surround me, throw me your one last piece
I don’t wanna be keeping up to my
Good conscious
Under this heavy blanket
It’s 3 a.m. and I’m losing it
I’m losing it
losing it.
Jidapachu
© Jidapa Chang-in
You starred at me, reachin’ over
I screamed at you for not doing enough
On the night it’d gotten the best of me
You kept on begging ‘please don’t be like this’
But baby, I’m a mess,
SO PLEASE
Don’t be reminding me of how we met
how I’ve shown you the world you’ve never seen
Please stop saying how I used to be
I could only bring out the worst in me,
I’ve been falling, climbing up
going back down
Resisting the joy of
‘a destructive mind‘
So baby please,
stop bringing up the past,
all I could do is telling you to back off
I’m not asking for help, I don’t need you to understand
Cause I’m a mess
and all I will do
is hurting you.
Jidapachu,
© Jidapa Chang-in
“I remember when
I first met his lie“
.
Shining like promises
fresh meat in the red pot
I got him like stupid wishes
.
Lust flashes
Splashes of youth
on his sheets and blankets
Shame’s my old best friend
.
Buried my face
Deeply in his lies
, just like
.
those first few months
Kissing on the porch,
forcing innocence
be teaching him how
to spell my name
.
oh him,
I got him like
‘my stupid wishes.‘
Jidapachu,
© Jidapa Chang-in
I know I should be apologising
but I don’t wanna admit the truth
‘Cause when we’re looking at each other
I see where I’ve been standing
I see what I should’ve been doing
but it breaks me to let myself go
I know, I’ve never been happier
but I’ve been avoiding what I’ve been wanting to do
It’s like I’m scared of where this is going
Cause I know, I know I don’t wanna admit the truth
And now looking into your eyes
I see why I’ve always brought myself
back to where I know
I should be apologising
, be doing what I’ve been doing.
Jidapachu,
© Jidapa Chang-in
A blink of one night,
Silence in between, kisses of the rain
Keening for melodies, needless to say
Flowing downstream, listening to the beam
You and me, we both knew
Jidapachu,
© Jidapa Chang-in
Lying on her back against a blanket of soft grass, slowly but steadily, she stretches out both thin arms toward the orange sky. Gently taps her long fingers on each group of clouds, one by one, from the biggest to the smallest, like she’s testing notes on a new piano.
Squinting her dark blue eyes, dodging her sight away from a sharp ray of sunlight, she hears each cloud whispering a secret to her.
‘Trust me,’ she replied in her head. It won’t be long till it all disappears. These melodies we’ve composed will be gone through colors fading, blocked by majestic mountains, and eventually hidden by a cast of moonlight. Like mistakes and ugly thoughts, one might never be able to make amends, but one can hide it. In a place where nobody could see.
As the sky turns grey, she closes one eye, back and forth, from right to left. ‘Similar, but not the same.’ Reminding herself to the two worlds she lives in.
Each group of clouds slowly breaks apart, slips away, and eventually disappears, along with the sound of memories. And suddenly she feels hollow in her chest, yet freely comfortable to breathe for the first time in a long while.
Dissolving her conscience into the darkness, she imagines and hopes that she could slip away, and vanish into nothing like those clouds.
Maybe if she had decided to leave both worlds, her mistake wouldn’t have been a mistake. Nothing, it shall become. And she wouldn’t have to reject herself as often as she does now. And maybe there wouldn’t be any secret to keep at all.
Though, deep down, she knows it’d better be kept as her imaginations. It’d better be just thoughts that must be put away. It’d better be.. better be kept as her little secrets, and no one…
No one has to know.
Jidapachu,
© Jidapa Chang-in
Drenched with perspiration. Heated by vibration of a call. She ran as fast as she could, in a short black skirt and a tight white buttoned down t-shirt. It was quite an early morning for a college student to be running across a football field. Too early and too strange, especially for a girl in a well-dressed uniform.
Anna was glad no one was around at this time. She did not want to be seen. Not by anyone, especially when she had to be with the man—the reason for why she was up at 4 a.m. running with warm sweats washing down her red cheeks. “You’d..,” she panted in frustration. “better be..” she finally reached the other side of a majestic field, slowing down her pace as she looked at her phone to count the total missed calls.
“Twelve,” interfered by a cold voice, yet beautiful and raspy. The voice that she would do anything to unhear. The only sound she’d been wishing everyday she hadn’t fallen for.
“You’re getting better Anna, but still.. more than ten. You’ll have to wear this uniform again tomorrow,” he smiled with a small and clear dimple, playfully clapped both hands to congratulate and raised his eyebrow expecting for some interaction.
Anna stood still and tried to keep her face straight from running and feeling anxious to talk back. Talking is her strongest strength. Been called the smartest and funniest person to converse with in class. She is one of top students, but at this moment, standing in front of a big tanned skin man with a sexy voice she’s familiar with, she’s out of the rank. Talking with him was the last thing she wanted to do.
Anna decided to look right into his light grey eyes for a few seconds, signaling she did not want anything to do with him, then she turned around and walked back to where she started. She had no intention in spurring his anger, but it had been five days already since this routine had begun. And she wanted it badly to come to an end.
“You seriously are not going to say a word to me, are you?,” Jack shouted with annoyance.
“A smile at least?” As he expected, it made Anna walked faster than she already was. Quickly, Jack followed her and in only a few seconds, he was walking beside her. “Come on Anna. It’s only a day! And if you would do it for me. Just a day and then you wouldn’t have to come running every morning like this. Ever again!”
“Just a day? For you? Really Jack?” aggravated, she was pushed over her limits. Ever again? How can he be so certain? He wanted to give up, didn’t he? Anna turned to face him with no intention to hide how she felt. She wasn’t mad. She was disappointed.
“Yes, for me,” he insisted.
“It wasn’t a question Jack,” she sighed. And for a slight second, Anna thought she had caught a painful light in his eyes. Her hands trembled as she gathered her thoughts. No, it couldn’t be. A man who cares about nothing but himself wouldn’t let anyone hurt him. Besides, anyone who gets to know him would never wanted to hurt him. Jack is like a baby tiger. Adorable but you can’t be too careful. He is good at getting people to love and care for him, and Anna was one of them.
Anna wanted to go back to her apartment. She hated to be in this sort of situations, one that she knew it might be best for her to walk away, though deep down, she wanted to give what Jack had been asking for.
“I don’t know if I should.. I don’t know if I will be able to do it again Jack.” finally she had made up her mind. Preventing herself to take those words back, she looked away.
“You truly want to throw it all away?” feeling infuriated, Jack asked. He didn’t know what else to say. He had no idea why she left. All he remembered was he came back to their place and she was already gone.
Anna felt her throat tightening up. Feeling regretted for leaving with no explanation, but she was afraid she might forgive him if she sees his face. She didn’t walk away because she had lost count of how many time he’d forgotten their dates or even her birthdays, but because she couldn’t feel loved.
Silence started wrapping around them. Since the breakup, they both have been physically distanced, denying an urge to touch each other. But with a game they’ve been playing, they have gotten closer. Jack decided to reach for Anna’s hand. Maybe if he had her hand, he could stop her from running away. As his fingers nearly touched hers, she immediately took her hand away. Just like the last time he attempted. And for the second time, Anna noticed a flash of pain in his eyes.
“Why did you go?” Jack softly asked, walked over to where Anna had looked away, to see how she felt about all this, to assure himself of which direction he should take, to realize that maybe there was nothing left for him. Nothing at all.
“Please, help me understand. Why were you willing to play this game if you didn’t feel anything at all in the first place? You knew it’s impossible to beat ten missed calls.”
Indeed, she knew she couldn’t. A week ago, months after their breakup, Jack offered her a game. A morning run. If she could run from her apartment to a college football field within his ten missed calls, Jack will be out of her hair. If not, within two weeks time, she had to go on a date with him. She knew she would eventually lose, but she wanted to see him try. She wanted a chance. Not for him but for herself.
“Because I didn’t go Jack. I never left. Actually, I’m just… stuck,” Anna wiped a warm drop away from her cheeks. This probably was the only time she wished it were a part of her sweat, and not an expression of how she felt about she and Jack. She knew what her tears would make Jack do, so she stepped back from him to prevent two familiar arms wrapping around her body.
“You were so distanced Jack. You couldn’t see me when I was just right there, right in front of you. You were never with me.
It ended not because I stopped feeling for you. It ended because… I couldn’t have you. I felt like… I never did,” her whole body started trembling, and her darkened brown eyes are getting blurry by warm tears.
“I wanted to g…” she whispered into his chest. “Please, don’t say that Anna.” Jack interrupted. He could no longer resist his urge to hold her, and Anna was too tired to stop him. Maybe she needed it. They both did.
“Would you give me another chance? Give us another try?” Jack whispered and placed his chin on her head.
“You knew I couldn’t run faster..” Anna punched on his big chest with her face still buried into it and giggled.
“Ouch! This game was stupid,” he laughed.
“No, the game wasn’t stupid.
“We were.” Anna replied.
Jidapachu,
© Jidapa Chang-in
This road used to be occupied with vacant taxis and expensive cars, and tonight’s sky seemed brighter than it’s supposed to be, clear and dark but brightened by neon lights. It is a night like this that she’ll always try to fill her head with scenarios that begin with an agonized conflict and end with a vivid blissfulness. She often wishes that these stories would some day actually happen to her. A story with a happy ending. A story that would always figure out best solutions. A story where she could trust in love and romance again.
She wearily laid her back against the seat and told the driver to lower his speed. She let him know she wasn’t in a hurry, and she was willing to pay for a longer ride.
Feeling exhausted from weeks of rushing to get her work done before holidays, it’s nice to be in a slow pace for at least an hour. She leaned her head on a backseat window, looked through taxi’s stained mirror, out to the empty road, and stared at street lights competing with one another. Each pole shot its blazing beams like laser lights firing bullets at her darkened brown eyes, one by one, as if she was its only victim.
The car is moving at a very low speed, probably 50 k.m./hr. Enabling her to catch and hold onto each light for a few seconds. And for a moment, she felt weightless, powerful, and she thought how wonderfully tortured humans would be to live in a world where there’s never letting go? where she could have a magic to freeze anything she wanted to stay the same. To be forever hers.
Deeply, she knew she wouldn’t want that for herself. Too selfish to have it all. Though at her weakest moment, she desperately wished to have something to hold on. Something she never had to let go.
Pausing for red light to turn green, there’s a small woman wrapped in silence, probably same age as her, standing, patiently waiting for the right bus to take her away. At this time of night, she imagined this woman must be going home. If not, at least to where she would feel like home. Doesn’t seem to be in a hurry, but longing to be back into the arms of her loved ones. It is so evident in her eyes. They are occupied, focused and painted with hopes, she couldn’t help but stare. She could see this young woman opening her apartment’s door to the sounds of her exciting husband and small children screaming in joy to finally have their mother back.
As the taxi gently moved through green light, all she could think about was how nice it would be to have someone waiting for her to come home. She closed her eyes for a few seconds then quickly blinked her tiring lids to shake off the idea, to let go of an image of a woman waiting for the bus, and also the story she created for her. Maybe she was just going home to no one. Maybe she was just waiting for nothing at all.
Seeing familiar buildings, the ride was coming to an end, so was December. January will begin, and then a year will be added to her age. She felt an instant chill creeping inside her stomach as invisible clouds started sobbing, splashing cold drops on the road, and washing away dusts on car’s window. The night was utterly dark, there was no telling rain would come. Unexpectedly.
‘Stay for a while, will you? rainy rain,’ she thought and slowly placed her hand on the window as if she could feel the rain washing through her fingers. Come and go. Just like him. Just like me to many others. Everyone comes and goes, nonetheless she was grateful for whom she’s bonded, for what she’s owned, and for where she was at the present.
“Happy New Year Miss,” cheerfully blessed by the driver.
Sixty minutes went by as fast as she’d expected. She reached for a wallet, counted and handed grayish bills over to the driver. She softly replied, “Thank you, you too sir.” , and stepped out of the car.
Slowly, she walked to her apartment and searched for the key in her purse. As she was about to unlock the door, instead she paused for a short while and stared into a peep hole. And suddenly a story she had created for the woman awaiting for the bus fought its way back into her mind.
She softly smiled, decided to keep this beautiful story, and whispered to herself, “Happy New Year”
Jidapachu,
© Jidapa Chang-in
She strips off her skin
and feeds it to the fire
Until the world slips off her hands
It’s madness
but there’s only one exit,
and she never leaves
He’s bleeding on her tongue
Putting her back to the wild
“There’ll never be the right time”
Been lying on the ground,
their bodies‘ getting curled
Like a melting frosted leaf
Discarded on the burning sand
Their breaths’ running out
Howling for a rescue
But there’ll never be the right time
It’s a daunting ride to escape
It’s madness,
cause there’s only one way out
, but she‘d never leave
So he rips out his wings
and feeds it to the fire
Cause it’s the only way
They’ll be alive
and there’ll never be the right time
to sacrifice,
Been filling up their veins
Saving one another
for themselves to go back
to life
to the sound of insanity
to their madness.
Jidapachu
© Jidapa Chang-in
